The benefit (if you can call it that) of battling these inner demons, is that I can recognize the symptoms within myself when things are starting to crumble. I thoroughly enjoy patterns, schedules, routines, and an overall sense of comfort in the known. I knew that this year, with the move and new job/school, routine, would upset the balance and thought I'd done a good job of preparing myself. The problem is you can't prepare the deep unworkings of the mind.
My go to coping mechanism is, and always has been, food. It's one of those things that was screwed up for us all as kids (no offense to my parents, family, educators, etc.) when we were rewarded with food, celebrated special occasions with food, given treats to cheer us up or make us feel better, etc. So it's no wonder that I try to cover up any negative emotions with food. The problem is that the voice in my head that speaks reason during trying times and motivates me to work out/off the negativity is fragmented, smashed, shattered, broken.
I had an appointment with my doctor today about other things and mentioned what's going on with my weight. We looked at the past year and it was absolutely demoralizing and humiliating to think back at how hard I worked only to see it all fall away in a matter of months. Needless to say, I broke down and my doctor and I talked about what to do. Fortunately, I go to a clinic designed specifically for women and even more luckily they happen to have a nutritional counselor/ mental health specialist. I'm trying to suppress how angry I am at myself for allowing change to let the air out of my tires and deflate my spirit and will power.
Prayers and positive thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
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