I have sat down in this spot on this page numerous times in the past three months. Each time I'd begin writing and get frustrated, worried that what I was writing sounded like whining or didn't make any sense. I was afraid that someone would read it and think I was sad, pathetic, a bad writer or worse, a bad mom/wife/ person. Eventually, I stopped even attempting to write anything.
I began writing in my own journal and realized, why am I allowing fear dominate my life?! Who cares if I write something that sounds dumb to someone else? What will happen to me if people decide not to read this or tell others that I am sad and pathetic?!? NOTHING!! I am not doing it to impress others, I write to center myself and find purpose in my day to day existence.
I dug a little deeper. What other fears have been driving me into this dark hole?
Fear of letting others down- I can write an entire book, 200 pages, 12 Chapters, of the numerous decisions I have made and make daily in an effort to not disappoint others. I have made life choices, not little ones, major life choices, so that someone else wouldn't say, "I knew that wasn't a good idea." Now, on the flip side, I can also say I have made life choices that disappointed some but made others happy... that's my struggle, who gets priority in my life choices... but it's usually not me.
Most recently, I thought that I HAD to get a job. I assumed that my husband was fervently waiting for me to find a job. I found one and was excited because I thought he was happy and proud of me. After going through training, I realized that the pay was inferior for the amount of time needed to do an efficient job. It also occurred to me that I wasn't enjoying any of the training or practicums that I was doing for this position. I was so worried that he would be upset that I just kept trucking along until a few days ago. The pressure I had put on myself was preposterous and completely irrational. Talking this over with him, gave me great perspective and one of those special moments of immense clarity. (Thus my writing tonight).
Fear of failing- This one ties in a lot with the prior one. I don't try many things that I'm unfamiliar with because I don't want to mess up. I've always resided to jobs relating to children, education and care for, because I assumed that was where I was called to be... and I am a far better person for being blessed with all the experiences, students, parents, and coworkers that I've met along the way, but I've never put serious thought into anything else out of fear of failing (and judgement-that's another big one). I'm afraid that I won't be good at any thing else despite a love of other things including math, health & fitness, and religion.
Again, I could write a book about all my fears... boo hoo Sally Sue, right?!? Well that's the great thing! God has put me in this wonderful situation to have the time and ability to pick apart my fears, to use them to grow and move forward. I can pick apart this crazy jumbled up brain of mine and dedicate some serious thought to what's next.... not what meal I'm making next, not how I'm going to decorate & organize the basement, not what winter activities I'll sign the kids up for, but what is next in MY story?! What pages will be written next, not in my book of fears but in my life legacy?
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