A Life of Fear No More

I have sat down in this spot on this page numerous times in the past three months. Each time I'd begin writing and get frustrated, worried that what I was writing sounded like whining or didn't make any sense. I was afraid that someone would read it and think I was sad, pathetic, a bad writer or worse, a bad mom/wife/ person. Eventually, I stopped even attempting to write anything.

I began writing in my own journal and realized, why am I allowing fear dominate my life?! Who cares if I write something that sounds dumb to someone else? What will happen to me if people decide not to read this or tell others that I am sad and pathetic?!? NOTHING!! I am not doing it to impress others, I write to center myself and find purpose in my day to day existence.

I dug a little deeper. What other fears have been driving me into this dark hole?

Fear of letting others down- I can write an entire book, 200 pages, 12 Chapters, of the numerous decisions I have made and make daily in an effort to not disappoint others. I have made life choices, not little ones, major life choices, so that someone else wouldn't say, "I knew that wasn't a good idea." Now, on the flip side, I can also say I have made life choices that disappointed some but made others happy... that's my struggle, who gets priority in my life choices... but it's usually not me.

Most recently, I thought that I HAD to get a job. I assumed that my husband was fervently waiting for me to find a job. I found one and was excited because I thought he was happy and proud of me. After going through training, I realized that the pay was inferior for the amount of time needed to do an efficient job. It also occurred to me that I wasn't enjoying any of the training or practicums that I was doing for this position. I was so worried that he would be upset that I just kept trucking along until a few days ago. The pressure I had put on myself was preposterous and completely irrational. Talking this over with him, gave me great perspective and one of those special moments of immense clarity. (Thus my writing tonight).

Fear of failing- This one ties in a lot with the prior one. I don't try many things that I'm unfamiliar with because I don't want to mess up. I've always resided to jobs relating to children, education and care for, because I assumed that was where I was called to be... and I am a far better person for being blessed with all the experiences, students, parents, and coworkers that I've met along the way, but I've never put serious thought into anything else out of fear of failing (and judgement-that's another big one). I'm afraid that I won't be good at any thing else despite a love of other things including math, health & fitness, and religion.

Again, I could write a book about all my fears... boo hoo Sally Sue, right?!? Well that's the great thing! God has put me in this wonderful situation to have the time and ability to pick apart my fears, to use them to grow and move forward. I can pick apart this crazy jumbled up brain of mine and dedicate some serious thought to what's next.... not what meal I'm making next, not how I'm going to decorate & organize the basement, not what winter activities I'll sign the kids up for, but what is next in MY story?! What pages will be written next, not in my book of fears but in my life legacy?

Rediscovering Love

Love: an intense feeling of deep affection (Webster, 2016)

In the hustle and bustle of life, the past decade or so have been a LOT about survival. Not third world country survival but coping with homework (my own, my students, and my kids'), housework, bills, kids, work, travel, etc.  Most people would not consider these daily living items survival situations however, when you struggle with depression and anxiety, everything can be a little more challenging. Having had some of the daily stresses reduced and a lot of thinking time, the greatest task I need to tackle is to rediscover love of myself. 

As a mom, most other moms can relate that all love is devoted to your children and spouse. We typically don't think about how we've treated ourselves. Example, if I make a mistake I should learn from it, brush it off and move on. Instead, I get very upset at myself and tell myself things like, "You never do anything right... you're so stupid!" I would NEVER say that to someone nor let my kids say that to someone or about themselves, so why is it okay that I'm doing that to myself? Why is that voice in my head not encouraging and positive? I believe that hurtful internal voice has been a large source of my difficulties over the past few years.

So what am I going to do about it? I know it won't be an overnight change. Since it's been an ugly habit for quite awhile, I'm sure it will take some time to retrain my brain. I'm starting slow, this week I found my way back into a spin class and instantly felt a sense of excitement and comfort from being back at something I enjoy. Having that same feeling as I went to two more spin classes this week, it started my wheels turning (literally and figuratively) about what other things do I equally enjoy?

Loving myself is not just about finding the things I enjoy doing. I can't spend my days riding bike and reading books... although that does sound like fun! I'm hoping to help silence the negative Katie by discovering more about myself. I don't have many answers yet, my mind is sore from reading through different questionnaires and articles on how to know yourself better. I'll keep you updated, in case you are interested in discovering your own self. 

Here's one link to get you started!  26 Questions To Help You Know Yourself Better

Insecurities

What day is it? I honestly couldn't tell you some days. It seems like I go from school meetings to soccer to dance to the gym and to home and repeat. I do love the routine that we are establishing but need to tackle the lingering insecurities that come with moving.

Being completely transported into a new environment should be old hat to me, however, when moving in South Dakota, you're bound to find someone that is connected to a friend or family member. It's really like one big city spread out over 77,184 square miles. When we've moved in the past, people would ask where we were from and then, inevitably, know someone from that area. Here, they ask where we moved from and then say something about how far away and cold it is there. No real connections (and I don't think they understand that we have summers that are just as hot as it is here)!

So how do I make that connection, that's the struggle. I've been in many gatherings for school, soccer and dance that are comprised of other parents similar in age. I haven't been able to break that barrier and introduce myself to anyone yet. I think it has me hiding a bit in my introvert shell. I have pushed boundaries a little by signing up for every PTO event and volunteer thing at the school. There's also this group called CityMoms in Indianapolis (and the suburbs) that is like a club for moms, and dads, that have get togethers, events, etc. and a support network. I'm contemplating joining but don't want to bite off more than I can chew.

It's also been difficult to find a connection with the local church. I love my Catholic faith but feel that they aren't the best at welcoming new parishioners, I should know as this will be the 6th Catholic church that I've become a member at. I have been blessed in our last two homes to have the school-church connection that has made for an easy, seemless transition. Again, no connections means that I have to push myself out of my comfortable hermit zone and reach out. They have a MOMS groups that I was very excited about, however the timing of the meetings conflicts with my kids school drop off... striking out left and right here.

I know that all of these things will work themselves out so I have to remain positive. I'm trying to take all the negativeness to the gym or on the trails and work it off there. Working out has been very helpful to me despite finding that they NEVER seem to have towels and their policy to sign up for spin bikes is a joke. Okay, I just went negative again. I have to work on that, maybe I need to find that yoga dvd I have somewhere?!

Positives: The scale has gone down 5 pounds since I last wrote! Slow and steady. Our house is finally being decluttered of boxes! Throwing more stuff out left and right. I survived my husband's first work trip since moving! I may have had an emotional outburst but I working on not being so needy. All in all, I'd say things are moving in a positive direction and am very grateful for the opportunities provided.

Life IS Good!

I apologize for the delay in writing. It's been a crazy month filled with daily chaos leading us to our new home in Indiana. Now that routines are being developed with school, work, soccer practice, etc. my mind is able to begin to sort things out. We have moved to a suburb of Indianapolis that is absolutely beautiful. I have discovered wonderful parks, trails, and a community center. I feel like I am finally able to get back into a normal workout routine and create healthy meals for my family and I. So far the kids seem to be adjusting okay and I am able to give them more attention without the added pressure/ focus of getting ready for another school year. I'm so truly grateful that my husband was promoted to this national position that allows me to focus on family.

There are a few other things that have helped me to start back on the healthy path. First of all, I decided to up my fitbit step goal to 12,000. I wanted to make sure that I had extra motivation to get up and moving each day! It definitely helps that our home is in the country and has a very large yard, plus the riding mower is broke... therefore more steps. The extra land has also helped with steps when the kids want to go explore.

I also joined a couple of great gals in snap chatting our meals and workouts to hold each other accountable. It has helped me A LOT this week! I made sure to stock up on all the staples last weekend before starting the challenge. Usually it's difficult when buying bulk produce because it goes bad so quickly, fortunately James and the kids are taking lunches to work/school which puts the produce to great use.

There are other decisions that I have made to ensure success. I chose the recreation center I joined because it offers a free nursery for the kids to go to while I work out. It also offers a variety of classes which I'm hoping will get me back into the shuffle of things and, eventually, back into teaching spin, step, etc. August looks to be off to a great start! I'll also be posting daily to hold myself accountable. Until tomorrow... God's blessings! <3

Change is Painful Growth

Life has a funny way of keeping me in a constant stage of chaos. I'll admit, as a child I thought that living in the same house that my dad grew up in was pretty cool and also a bit monotonous. It probably didn't help that I had to share a room with my two sisters until my senior year of high school. I constantly day dreamed of having a new house with my own bedroom. Well I believe that God has an interesting, albeit a bit twisted, sense of humor as I move once again.

My wonderful and talented husband was unexpectedly offered a position as the National Director of Fine and Performing Arts for the National Federation of High Schools. I am extremely proud. This job does mean, however, that we will moving to Indianapolis. This will mean living in the 5th community (3rd state) in the past decade. I guess if you wish for something hard enough, it eventually happens, even if it's years later.

Change is extremely difficult and it doesn't get any easier, but you do learn more things with each transition. I have figured out what things need to be in place as soon as possible (i.e. home, church, doctors, schools, pharmacy), what should be packed in what way, and what needs to be throw out or given away. Every community has its differences and Indianapolis will, by far, be the largest city we've lived in.

I know that the next few weeks are going to be quite the roller coaster of emotions. I also know that we will be fine, we will grow stronger from this experience. I am going to focus on positives and my list of things that need to get done. I will try my hardest to not let stress take over and ruin my health goals. The gym will be a destination to work up any pent up frustration and to work out clouded, cluttered thoughts.

The Have and Have Nots

THE HAVE(S):

* GOALS!

        In order to successfully do anything, it's important to have goals. Most things I've read suggest small goals, but not too many, that lead to a big goal. For me, this means setting weekly goals in different facets of my life. My summer weekly goals will be set on Sundays and may vary depending on what events or situations I know will be occurring during the upcoming week. 

        

        Today, I'm setting my goals for the next week and a half. I'm going to break them into a few different categories.

             1) Nutrition:  

                  a) Record EVERYTHING on myfitnesspal.com

                  b) Brush teeth when the kids do to prevent late night munchies

                  c) Begin Sugar Detox (see info graph below)

                  d) Rejoin Weight Watchers

             2) Health:

                  a) Go to bed at early enough time to get 8 hours of sleep

                  b) Go on a daily walk

                  c) Call Physical Therapist to set up more appointments

              3) Fitness:

                   a) Continue training for RASDAK (if support from PT)

                   b) Plan which classes work into the schedule and GO TO THEM!

* REWARDS!

         Not only are goals important but rewards for reaching set goals are a necessity to keep you on track! Rewards are not just for reaching weight loss/fitness goals, but other goals for work, organization, etc. are important too. Rewards do not need to cost money, should not always include food (especially if your ultimate goal is to lose weight), nor do they need to be complicated. I love the article on Spark People about 50 Non Food Rewards. 

          I have a few rewards already in place but I wanted a visual reward and motivator. I dug out my favorite outfits that I no longer fit into and have hung them in a place to create a visual reminder. My long term goal & reward is to wear these when school resumes. I CAN & WILL DO IT!

*FAITH and SUPPORT

         

        You can do all things through Christ. (Phil. 4:13)  No matter what you are struggling with or working on it is considerably more difficult without support and faith. I'm going to dedicate a whole entry to only this category because there are so many things that I could write a book (some have) about this topic. A quick synopsis, find friends with similar goals that you can rely on to cheer you on and push you when needed. I also encourage prayer and reading scripture as a source of strength, love, and encouragement.

THE HAVE NOTS:

*SUGAR!

      

         Hi, my name is Katie and I have a sugar addiction (as do most Americans). I have decided that the best time for me to break away from the addiction will be this upcoming Monday. It's like ripping off a band-aide and just needs to be done. I found two great sites that give sugar detox instructions:

 Break Your Sugar Addiction in 10 Days  and How to Detox from Sugar in 10 Days.  I don't plan on giving it up for good but I want to know that my will power muscle is still functioning. I also feel it's a good jumping point to get back into healthy eating. Prayers for my family and anyone that runs into over those 10 days, I might be a bear...

*EXCUSES and PITY PARTIES!

        Everyone has their own list of "reasons" they cannot workout. I hear them all the time, sometimes in my own head. I'm too busy. Children. I'm too tired. I don't like it. My ______ hurts so I can't.  The flip side is that if you don't make time, when you finally have the time, your body will be in such bad shape, you won't be able much of anything. I HATE that I can't do weight lifting and boot camp type workouts (seriously) but I know that doing nothing but pout won't help either. Walking, recumbent bike, swimming are all things that can be done without putting too much strain on the body. I also know that returning to physical therapy will also set me on the right track to eventually doing burpees again!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good

The countdown to the end of another school year is in sight. I'm very blessed to have had a great year surrounded by great coworkers and students! I love what I do, but I am ready for a brain break and some time to take some professional development courses. My students, despite having senioritis, took the time (with help from the school counselor) to create a binder filled with all the things they loved about this year. It was such a nice gesture, lifted some of the stress, and reminded me to be grateful for all God has given me! 

I also feel that my boys are finally adjusting to our move to Sioux Falls. I don't have to beg them on Mondays to go to school, I haven't heard them say they hate school in awhile, I see them playing with groups of friends during recess times, and chatting it up at baseball and cub scouts. It warms my heart and fills me with hope, as does finding out what's exactly wrong with my little Cooper and setting up a plan, including surgery, which will begin the healing process.

The Bad

Stress is my arch nemesis. Spring is always stressful in teaching for so many reasons. Testing usually happens in the spring months. Kids begin checking out as soon as it gets nice outside. We're all trying to fit in teaching with all the other end of the school year activities. This year I have the added "bonus" of still being in a transition mode, 6th grade graduation mass, 6th grade musical, and having an injury preventing me from my favorite exercising activities. I know this sounds crazy to most people I know, but I really miss hard core working out, whether it's boot camp, spin w/tabata, or chisel (weight lifting class). I love pushing myself mentally and physically and the feeling of accomplishment with physical exhaustion. I miss the self discipline and physical health I had not too long ago.

The Ugly

I've hit an extremely low point with my weight, and I don't mean that the pounds are low. Sadly, none of my clothes are fitting. I am constantly reminded of how much I've gained when I try to put on any of my clothes and when Timehop reminds me of how I looked last year and even the year before at this time. I desperately miss feeling fit.

The ugliest part for me was when I went to find a dress for our 6th graders graduation mass. I grabbed dress after dress and, when I looked in the changing room mirror, saw someone that I didn't recognize. A person that's not taking care of herself, lost ambition and self worth. It was a moment I will remember for it filled me with despair and left me heart broken.

Subsequent Course of Action

Over the last few months, I've tried many things to shake myself out of this alternate reality, where eating relieves stress and health takes a back seat. I'm trying to recreate the essence of optimism and the desire to give it 110% (and then some). I have tried to recreate things that have worked in the past but have truly lost all intrinsic motivation. I've made a motivational chart with different, non food related, rewards. I have created a visual with marbles and a glass jar to show pounds to lose and pounds lost. I have a gym membership. I feel as if my motivation is marooned to an island completely inaccessible.

I will push forward and look to internet sites, such as Master Motivation, to try to spark something. Creating a vision board is also in my plans. I will continue to pray for a speedy recovery with PT. I intend to push through/ get through all of these problems and to look at them as bump in the road, not a new journey of misery. It seems daunting, being in the midst of it all, but things will improve because they HAVE to improve!

More to come... after some needed sleep...