Rediscovering Love

Love: an intense feeling of deep affection (Webster, 2016)

In the hustle and bustle of life, the past decade or so have been a LOT about survival. Not third world country survival but coping with homework (my own, my students, and my kids'), housework, bills, kids, work, travel, etc.  Most people would not consider these daily living items survival situations however, when you struggle with depression and anxiety, everything can be a little more challenging. Having had some of the daily stresses reduced and a lot of thinking time, the greatest task I need to tackle is to rediscover love of myself. 

As a mom, most other moms can relate that all love is devoted to your children and spouse. We typically don't think about how we've treated ourselves. Example, if I make a mistake I should learn from it, brush it off and move on. Instead, I get very upset at myself and tell myself things like, "You never do anything right... you're so stupid!" I would NEVER say that to someone nor let my kids say that to someone or about themselves, so why is it okay that I'm doing that to myself? Why is that voice in my head not encouraging and positive? I believe that hurtful internal voice has been a large source of my difficulties over the past few years.

So what am I going to do about it? I know it won't be an overnight change. Since it's been an ugly habit for quite awhile, I'm sure it will take some time to retrain my brain. I'm starting slow, this week I found my way back into a spin class and instantly felt a sense of excitement and comfort from being back at something I enjoy. Having that same feeling as I went to two more spin classes this week, it started my wheels turning (literally and figuratively) about what other things do I equally enjoy?

Loving myself is not just about finding the things I enjoy doing. I can't spend my days riding bike and reading books... although that does sound like fun! I'm hoping to help silence the negative Katie by discovering more about myself. I don't have many answers yet, my mind is sore from reading through different questionnaires and articles on how to know yourself better. I'll keep you updated, in case you are interested in discovering your own self. 

Here's one link to get you started!  26 Questions To Help You Know Yourself Better

Try too Hard

Another year has passed and I believe I am the healthiest and strongest I have ever been. I can't wait for another year of becoming stronger, healthier and a better self. Part of being a better me is realizing that I can not and will not ever be perfect. I am constantly trying to be a wonderful mom, wife, teacher, friend, motivator, sibling, daughter, etc. and it is EXHAUSTING! Tonight, at Chisel class, I felt very empowered as I watched myself in the mirror lift 20 pound dumbbells and that feeling was elevated when, while stretching, we listened to Colbie Caillat sing "Try."( Colbie Caillat - Try) My interpretation of the song was that I do not need to try to impress others, keep up with others or even to make everyone happy. I need to focus on making myself happy and to love myself.

I know that most people do resolutions at the beginning of a new year, however, this is the beginning of my thirty second year of life so I feel it's the perfect time. I am devoting this year to not only reaching the mid-range of my BMI and staying there, but also to intentionally not worry about what others are thinking about me. This is going to be a HUGE challenge but I will be searching out ways to achieve this goal. I have always wanted to be loved and accepted by everyone but realize that the only person that I truly need love and acceptance from is myself, and this is the year that I find ways to do that!