Rediscovering Love

Love: an intense feeling of deep affection (Webster, 2016)

In the hustle and bustle of life, the past decade or so have been a LOT about survival. Not third world country survival but coping with homework (my own, my students, and my kids'), housework, bills, kids, work, travel, etc.  Most people would not consider these daily living items survival situations however, when you struggle with depression and anxiety, everything can be a little more challenging. Having had some of the daily stresses reduced and a lot of thinking time, the greatest task I need to tackle is to rediscover love of myself. 

As a mom, most other moms can relate that all love is devoted to your children and spouse. We typically don't think about how we've treated ourselves. Example, if I make a mistake I should learn from it, brush it off and move on. Instead, I get very upset at myself and tell myself things like, "You never do anything right... you're so stupid!" I would NEVER say that to someone nor let my kids say that to someone or about themselves, so why is it okay that I'm doing that to myself? Why is that voice in my head not encouraging and positive? I believe that hurtful internal voice has been a large source of my difficulties over the past few years.

So what am I going to do about it? I know it won't be an overnight change. Since it's been an ugly habit for quite awhile, I'm sure it will take some time to retrain my brain. I'm starting slow, this week I found my way back into a spin class and instantly felt a sense of excitement and comfort from being back at something I enjoy. Having that same feeling as I went to two more spin classes this week, it started my wheels turning (literally and figuratively) about what other things do I equally enjoy?

Loving myself is not just about finding the things I enjoy doing. I can't spend my days riding bike and reading books... although that does sound like fun! I'm hoping to help silence the negative Katie by discovering more about myself. I don't have many answers yet, my mind is sore from reading through different questionnaires and articles on how to know yourself better. I'll keep you updated, in case you are interested in discovering your own self. 

Here's one link to get you started!  26 Questions To Help You Know Yourself Better

Insecurities

What day is it? I honestly couldn't tell you some days. It seems like I go from school meetings to soccer to dance to the gym and to home and repeat. I do love the routine that we are establishing but need to tackle the lingering insecurities that come with moving.

Being completely transported into a new environment should be old hat to me, however, when moving in South Dakota, you're bound to find someone that is connected to a friend or family member. It's really like one big city spread out over 77,184 square miles. When we've moved in the past, people would ask where we were from and then, inevitably, know someone from that area. Here, they ask where we moved from and then say something about how far away and cold it is there. No real connections (and I don't think they understand that we have summers that are just as hot as it is here)!

So how do I make that connection, that's the struggle. I've been in many gatherings for school, soccer and dance that are comprised of other parents similar in age. I haven't been able to break that barrier and introduce myself to anyone yet. I think it has me hiding a bit in my introvert shell. I have pushed boundaries a little by signing up for every PTO event and volunteer thing at the school. There's also this group called CityMoms in Indianapolis (and the suburbs) that is like a club for moms, and dads, that have get togethers, events, etc. and a support network. I'm contemplating joining but don't want to bite off more than I can chew.

It's also been difficult to find a connection with the local church. I love my Catholic faith but feel that they aren't the best at welcoming new parishioners, I should know as this will be the 6th Catholic church that I've become a member at. I have been blessed in our last two homes to have the school-church connection that has made for an easy, seemless transition. Again, no connections means that I have to push myself out of my comfortable hermit zone and reach out. They have a MOMS groups that I was very excited about, however the timing of the meetings conflicts with my kids school drop off... striking out left and right here.

I know that all of these things will work themselves out so I have to remain positive. I'm trying to take all the negativeness to the gym or on the trails and work it off there. Working out has been very helpful to me despite finding that they NEVER seem to have towels and their policy to sign up for spin bikes is a joke. Okay, I just went negative again. I have to work on that, maybe I need to find that yoga dvd I have somewhere?!

Positives: The scale has gone down 5 pounds since I last wrote! Slow and steady. Our house is finally being decluttered of boxes! Throwing more stuff out left and right. I survived my husband's first work trip since moving! I may have had an emotional outburst but I working on not being so needy. All in all, I'd say things are moving in a positive direction and am very grateful for the opportunities provided.

Life IS Good!

I apologize for the delay in writing. It's been a crazy month filled with daily chaos leading us to our new home in Indiana. Now that routines are being developed with school, work, soccer practice, etc. my mind is able to begin to sort things out. We have moved to a suburb of Indianapolis that is absolutely beautiful. I have discovered wonderful parks, trails, and a community center. I feel like I am finally able to get back into a normal workout routine and create healthy meals for my family and I. So far the kids seem to be adjusting okay and I am able to give them more attention without the added pressure/ focus of getting ready for another school year. I'm so truly grateful that my husband was promoted to this national position that allows me to focus on family.

There are a few other things that have helped me to start back on the healthy path. First of all, I decided to up my fitbit step goal to 12,000. I wanted to make sure that I had extra motivation to get up and moving each day! It definitely helps that our home is in the country and has a very large yard, plus the riding mower is broke... therefore more steps. The extra land has also helped with steps when the kids want to go explore.

I also joined a couple of great gals in snap chatting our meals and workouts to hold each other accountable. It has helped me A LOT this week! I made sure to stock up on all the staples last weekend before starting the challenge. Usually it's difficult when buying bulk produce because it goes bad so quickly, fortunately James and the kids are taking lunches to work/school which puts the produce to great use.

There are other decisions that I have made to ensure success. I chose the recreation center I joined because it offers a free nursery for the kids to go to while I work out. It also offers a variety of classes which I'm hoping will get me back into the shuffle of things and, eventually, back into teaching spin, step, etc. August looks to be off to a great start! I'll also be posting daily to hold myself accountable. Until tomorrow... God's blessings! <3