Eating and Mental Health

It's no great secret that I struggled with severe postpartum depression with my middle child. I've also been afflicted with anxiety, insomnia, etc. I've been on different medications, meditated, practiced yoga, prayed, gone to counseling... you name it, I've probably done it. I would never wish any type or degree of mental illness on anyone. I also pray for those whom struggle to accept that they need help with their struggles.

The benefit (if you can call it that) of battling these inner demons, is that I can recognize the symptoms within myself when things are starting to crumble. I thoroughly enjoy patterns, schedules, routines, and an overall sense of comfort in the known. I knew that this year, with the move and new job/school, routine, would upset the balance and thought I'd done a good job of preparing myself. The problem is you can't prepare the deep unworkings of the mind.

My go to coping mechanism is, and always has been, food. It's one of those things that was screwed up for us all as kids (no offense to my parents, family, educators, etc.) when we were rewarded with food, celebrated special occasions with food, given treats to cheer us up or make us feel better, etc. So it's no wonder that I try to cover up any negative emotions with food. The problem is that the voice in my head that speaks reason during trying times and motivates me to work out/off the negativity is fragmented, smashed, shattered, broken.

I had an appointment with my doctor today about other things and mentioned what's going on with my weight. We looked at the past year and it was absolutely demoralizing and humiliating to think back at how hard I worked only to see it all fall away in a matter of months. Needless to say, I broke down and my doctor and I talked about what to do. Fortunately, I go to a clinic designed specifically for women and even more luckily they happen to have a nutritional counselor/ mental health specialist. I'm trying to suppress how angry I am at myself for allowing change to let the air out of my tires and deflate my spirit and will power.

Prayers and positive thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

Struggles and New Beginnings

Happy Easter! He has Risen!

Spring time is such a blessing. I love this time of year when we can receive five inches of snow and two days later we're walking around in short sleeves and sandals enjoying the green grass again!

I am trying really hard to focus on positives and not continue on this path of self destruction. I hope the rejuvenating springtime will be my inspiration and motivator. Currently, I struggle with my inner voice and its constant need to see all things negative. It's like a road block in my mind, not allowing me to access my positive voice that can remind me of how I DO have the knowledge, strength and ability to increase my will power, eat healthy, work out wisely, and overcome all current obstacles. 

I have brief reminders of the supportive mindset. Saturday I pushed myself and got up early to go to a 90 minute spin class. Today I went on two longer walks to ensure I met my step goal. Tomorrow I have set up two times to workout, early morning and evening. I started my nutritional counseling and I HAVE to record what I eat and pay attention to food labels; calories, fats, fiber, protein, etc. I will continue to work on asking for more help through prayer and within my support network (and to allow their help). I just pray that I have cracked the door to my more effective self talk and all other efforts will knock down the whole damn door! 

April is going to be my best month in a long time (says my positive voice), good bye March madness!

CHANGE: Yesterday is out of control, change what you can today!

Greetings Friends!

I'm sure everyone thought I had forgotten all about this blog or had totally given up! Well, you're somewhat right. I won't trouble you with all my woes, but the past year has been a true roller coaster. Between hormone issues, medicine mess ups, moving, new job, new city and extreme vitamin D deficiency (to name a few), this crazy ride is starting to stabilize.

My mind and body function best with routine and patterns. I truly believe that is how I finally found success a couple years ago, I had my schedule down! Having to learn all new routines has turned me topsy turvy and taken me completely off course in my new me. This return to my old comforts of food and running around like a chicken with its head cut off, has only spiraled me more out of control so much that I can no longer visualize the finish line.

I have tried many things throughout this year to try and find my way back to the path I was on. Unfortunately, Weight Watchers isn't quite the same when you are just one of many faces and don't feel a connection with the leader (I miss you Ona). I tried to get back into a hard core workout regimen to only be reminded that my bicep tendon had never healed from last spring. I also lost my support team that I had recruited at the Pierre Y.

This blog entry is to revive some sense of familiarity and to organize my plans moving forward. I feel that this is a good time to set new goals for a few reasons. 

1) I am finishing up my 2nd round of physical therapy for my bicep tendinitis and finally feeling that its "normal" again.

2) I have survived my fourth time teaching a new grade plus new subjects and am feeling more confident and excited about doing it all again next year!

3) My kids and I have started to find a balance and peace in our new surroundings which relieves a lot of built up stress and frustration.

My strategy to take back control of my mind and body has a few parts. 

I had to give up Weight Watchers because I felt I was comparing it to my small town WW center and didn't like the feeling of being lost in the crowd. Instead, I am going to be meeting with a dietitian/nutritionist for a program that our local Hy-Vee offers. I know it may sound silly since I have read and learned enough about nutrition that I should be able to do it on my own however, I need a little push and a few one on one sessions will hopefully be the ticket! Plus they do measurements for before and after and will hold me more accountable with food journaling. 

I am also being optimistic that my physical therapist will give me the go ahead to start boot camp again, if not, I do have a secondary plan. There are many great classes that the Wellness Center offers and finally feel comfortable including them in my schedule now that I've grown more accustomed to it.  I also have adjusted my summer fitness goal. I had thought about pushing myself to a half marathon. My biggest challenge (and kind of an important element) is that I greatly dislike running. I have been praying about it and kept running across the RasDak bike ride facebook posts when it dawned on me... biking, I love to ride bike. I've done a 150 miles bike ride before, I can do a couple days on the trek across South Dakota in June and it doesn't make me dread training!

My main goal will be to use this blog again as a self motivator and, hopefully a motivator for others again?! Perhaps, through my tribulations and achievements myself and others will benefit.