What am I in this for?

I have started to read "The Start Here Diet," by Tosca Reno, in an effort to try to revise my eating habits more. I have barely cracked the cover and she's already having me dig deep and ask myself tough questions. I came to the realization that I am holding onto A LOT of things from my past that are not allowing me to move forward. It's difficult to make the changes necessary to forge a new lifestyle path when you keep looking back. I 100% believe that it's important to learn from the past as to not make the same mistakes and learn from what you and others have done. I now also know that holding onto that anger, hate, doubt can be a huge detriment to your future. I look at some of the things that have happened in my past, whether it be how others have treated me, I have treated others, or choices I made and I allow those things to weigh me down on a daily basis. Forgiving myself and forgiving others is a necessity. It is not up to me to hold that anger in my heart!

It's truly amazing how journaling through my past and all my emotions, realizing that holding onto these dark feelings serve me no positive purpose. I believed that holding onto these feelings created a protective barrier around myself, making it less likely to be hurt again. I picked the easier way out of situations; if people could be avoided, I'd do it, if changes to my daily routine were impeding, I'd do what I could to bypass it, etc. I brushed everything off that had the potential of helping me, using my husband or children as an excuse. I can't do that because that would make it more difficult for them. In turn, I began to resent them despite it being my own decision to evade personal growth. This awareness of my own self destruction created an "Ah ha" moment.

This realization leads me to my main question, what am I doing this for? Part of me has always had the vain goal of looking good and getting positive feedback from others. Would that still be nice, ABSOLUTELY, but I want no I need more. I am eating healthier and working out to create a strong, healthier me. Do I want to be a role model for my kids? Of course, but I need to know that this transformation is to break through all the mental and physical barriers that I have self imposed. I want to be able to look in the mirror and say "I did this! I did it the right way, no short cuts. I pushed through my own self doubt and self hated and PROVED to myself that I am capable of working hard, staying motivated, loving myself enough to do something for me, despite the time commitment away from my family. The long term benefits of increased self esteem and overall health of my family cannot be matched. God gave me this wonderful body and I want to know that I did everything I could to take care of it the best way I could!

Through building body strength, I will find mental strength. Through shedding unwanted weight, I will shed my barriers. Maybe it's selfish, but if taking care of myself makes me a happier, more loving, giving wife, mom, sister, aunt, daughter, teacher... then I chose to be selfish!