Kitchen Confessions

I'll admit it, I hated cooking, baking, and all things related to the kitchen (other than eating). I found recipes, grocery shopping, and prepping extremely tedious and unrewarding. I must also confess that my children ate many meals of mac-n-cheese, spaghetti, chicken nuggets, or corn dogs. After teaching all day, I really had no energy to think about making a meal. Maybe if I had gotten the knack for creating meals before beginning my career or perhaps before having children, I wouldn't have found it to be such a chore. 

At any rate, over the past couple months I can proudly say that I have only made the aforementioned meals a couple times. Each month I spend in this new domestic lifestyle, the more I find enjoyment in tasks that I used to consider mundane and/or frustrating. Not every task, mind you, I still can't find joy in cleaning toilets!

So this new domestic infatuation has lead me to a new lifelong friendship... I'm in LOVE with my Kitchen Aid Mixer. I have honestly had this gorgeous contraption for nearly 14 years and only used it for large family gatherings and only a handful of times. I have neglected to utilize this fantastic device to its full potential. Well no more, I will be beating and mixing things up like Martha Stuart on one of her Christmas baking specials!

I have another confession, since I didn't do much cooking and baking, I never had much need to go to the cook and bake ware aisles at the store. The other day I meandered into the aisles in search for a bigger pan for baking cookies. I was in awe at all the contraptions, tools, pans, etc. that I found. In the past, I would have seen most of these items as useless in my efforts to make a nice spaghetti meal. Now, however, after making several homemade meals and treats, I was astonished at all these cool things that would be so much more efficient than my current, meager kitchen supplies.

There is a purpose to me writing about my kitchen antics, beyond being silly. The newly exposed fondness of cooking & baking has allowed me to discover joy in the small and ordinary. Since moving and changing my lifestyle, I have fiercely searched for joy and pride. I have always thought that they come from accomplishing big goals, being promoted, executing an amazing lesson  (in the classroom), or getting kudos from a boss/principal or parent of a student. I have now found that joy can grow from within as I push my limitations and decide that I CAN create meals/ food for my family out of a bunch of ingredients (opposed to my old method of reheating pre-made foods). I am filled with pride when my family asks for seconds, tell me how much they love what I have made, or ask me to make a certain meal again.

I need to stop waiting and searching for some magnificent opportunity to give my life meaning & purpose. Instead I will find joy in the little things and count my blessings!

A Life of Fear No More

I have sat down in this spot on this page numerous times in the past three months. Each time I'd begin writing and get frustrated, worried that what I was writing sounded like whining or didn't make any sense. I was afraid that someone would read it and think I was sad, pathetic, a bad writer or worse, a bad mom/wife/ person. Eventually, I stopped even attempting to write anything.

I began writing in my own journal and realized, why am I allowing fear dominate my life?! Who cares if I write something that sounds dumb to someone else? What will happen to me if people decide not to read this or tell others that I am sad and pathetic?!? NOTHING!! I am not doing it to impress others, I write to center myself and find purpose in my day to day existence.

I dug a little deeper. What other fears have been driving me into this dark hole?

Fear of letting others down- I can write an entire book, 200 pages, 12 Chapters, of the numerous decisions I have made and make daily in an effort to not disappoint others. I have made life choices, not little ones, major life choices, so that someone else wouldn't say, "I knew that wasn't a good idea." Now, on the flip side, I can also say I have made life choices that disappointed some but made others happy... that's my struggle, who gets priority in my life choices... but it's usually not me.

Most recently, I thought that I HAD to get a job. I assumed that my husband was fervently waiting for me to find a job. I found one and was excited because I thought he was happy and proud of me. After going through training, I realized that the pay was inferior for the amount of time needed to do an efficient job. It also occurred to me that I wasn't enjoying any of the training or practicums that I was doing for this position. I was so worried that he would be upset that I just kept trucking along until a few days ago. The pressure I had put on myself was preposterous and completely irrational. Talking this over with him, gave me great perspective and one of those special moments of immense clarity. (Thus my writing tonight).

Fear of failing- This one ties in a lot with the prior one. I don't try many things that I'm unfamiliar with because I don't want to mess up. I've always resided to jobs relating to children, education and care for, because I assumed that was where I was called to be... and I am a far better person for being blessed with all the experiences, students, parents, and coworkers that I've met along the way, but I've never put serious thought into anything else out of fear of failing (and judgement-that's another big one). I'm afraid that I won't be good at any thing else despite a love of other things including math, health & fitness, and religion.

Again, I could write a book about all my fears... boo hoo Sally Sue, right?!? Well that's the great thing! God has put me in this wonderful situation to have the time and ability to pick apart my fears, to use them to grow and move forward. I can pick apart this crazy jumbled up brain of mine and dedicate some serious thought to what's next.... not what meal I'm making next, not how I'm going to decorate & organize the basement, not what winter activities I'll sign the kids up for, but what is next in MY story?! What pages will be written next, not in my book of fears but in my life legacy?